ThoughtfulChaos

RAMBLE ALERT! You have been warned.

Yaaawn. There is a problem with middle-of-the-week holidays. Somehow my mind interprets the holiday as being Saturday and goes about accordingly planning things for the non-existent Saturday and the following-equally-non-existent Sunday. Except that what follows Wednesday is really a Thursday and on Thursday I have to go to office.

I haven't blogged about anything personal for some while. In fact now the main page of my blog seems like a running commentary of the sordid IIPM saga. I have been following the controversy from the beginning and things are quietening down now. Is is probably the lull before the storm since NDTV is rumoured to air a program about it tomorrow. Unfortunately I won't be able to watch the program as I don't have access to a TV :-(

Nothing much has been happening on a personal front since. Life is the usual wake up, come to office, go back, read and sleep routine. I haven't even been reading much at home nowadays. I have too many unfinished books and too many partially done things on my to-do list. Possibly a sort of mid-life crisis except that it is happening right now.

The not-getting-a-release thing has finally settled in. I am still somewhat unhappy but there is nothing much I can do. So I have decided to attack work with extra vigour as well as do lots of things apart from work to keep my frustration at bay.

Since about a year or so I am getting the feeling that I am getting 'old'. Old is when you feel that time is simply flying by. Old is when you start forgetting your own birthday. Well... last year my birthday didn't feel like a birthday at all and even this year I keep forgetting that my birthday is only about a week away (21st Oct). I will be all of 24 next week. 24 seems like such a grownup number. And that is such a frightening thought. Growing up is interesting, being a grownup is boring.

The IIPM controversy has made me think about a lot of things. Blogging for me started as a mixture of a technical experiment and the what-the-heck-is-this kinda endeavour. I had been hearing a lot about blogs, about how addictive it is and I decided to check it out. After a few days of blogging I realized that blogging is quite addictive and gives you a sense of satisfaction... My blog is my personal space, somewhere I can rant, review, ponder, analyze, take sides, shout and freak out. The possibility of reading (say) 5 years down the line what I am writing today seems so cool and enticing. To some extent it is a record of my thoughts at some point of time. It might be something very trivial or something quite profound. I am tempted to say it is a mirror into my life and thoughts but actually it is more of a kaleidoscope.

My blog has been receiving many more hits that usual due to the fact that I have been linked to from many sites for my posts on the IIPM thingy (there is only so many times you can say IIPM controversy without getting irritated). The fact that many people, mostly strangers have been reading something I wrote seems so sexy, so powerful, so I-don't-know-how-to-express-it. About a week ago I had around 15 regular readers: my dad and a few of my friends. Now there are many more. In a few days from now when the IIPM storm has quietened I am sure my incoming traffic will go back to a trickle but thats OK. I had my few moments of Internet fame but it has given me a thirst for more!

I will readily admit that I am somewhat weird. Most people who know me will not agree to this but people who know me really well will readily agree. My brain is in constant chaos regarding many things under the sun. I like to question things, have a good debate, accept new ideas and basically see things from different angles. But basically I like freedom: freedom of thought, freedom of expression, freedom from social norms and freedom from constancy. And I am going to exercise my freedom through my blog more often.

Way back in school this freedom of expression and debates were an everyday affair. It was a very powerful feedback loop: our basic attitude created an environment for freethinking and this constant freethinking enhanced our basic attitude. Nonconformity was expected and vicious dissection of your (and your opponent's) arguments an everyday fare. Our talk used to range from the common (politics, universe, academics) to the esoteric (M.F. Hussain's chappals, Sale of HAHK movie rights vs. retaining it and so on). Fights used to be vicious and mentally tiring but overall effect was we were very good at questioning and reasoning out things. Most of us used to do poorly in exams but thats another story...

I admire and envy the power that authors wield. Whether it is Khushwant Singh's narration, Shobhaa De's style, Tagore's apparent simplicity, Clarke's imagination or Asimov's fantasies, I admire all of them. Some write to enchant you, some to convince, some to make you dream and some simply to make you feel good.

I have always been a voracious reader... is this my feeble attempt at being a decent writer? What do I achieve to aim? How do I measure my 'success'? Should I measure my success? No idea!

I have one request for you. I would love it if you left comments. It could be a simple "I agree" or an embarrassing "Where the f*** are the 100 bucks you owe me?". But do leave comments... it warms the cockles of my heart.

You might be wondering why the heck I am rambling on and on and on with this blog about blogging and not actually blogging? Well... I did warn you, didn't I? :-)